Kristie McNealy, MD

One day, almost 3 years ago, I walked out of the post partum unit of University Hospital with empty arms.  It was Christmas Eve, and I was going home to celebrate Christmas with my older daughter, but my mind and heart were still in the NICU where our youngest struggled on a ventilator.  While I tried my best to smile and be happy, my eyes still well up when I remember how I really felt that day.

A few days before Christmas, our second daughter was delivered by urgent c-section, 9 weeks premature.  She weighed in at 3 pounds 15 ounces, and was a mere 16 inches long.  The seconds after she was delivered stretched out like an eternity, while we waited for her to cry.  Thankfully, she did.  I was able to kiss her little head before they took her away from me and swept her off to the NICU.

Our little girl spent a week on a ventilator and a total of 46 days in the NICU.  I had to wait 8 days to hold her.  Some moms of micropreemies will probably read that and think I was lucky, but it was still excrutiating.  On the day we finally walked out of the hospital together, I wish we could have left all the consequences of her early arrival at the door.  Instead, I carried them home with me, along with frozen breastmilk, preemie clothes and her discharge instructions.

Premature birth often has a huge emotional impact on moms.  In fact, a friend I met on a preemie message board once said that she was glad to meet me, because until she had, she had thought she might be going crazy.

Many moms of premature babies experience feelings of failure, guilt and loss surrounding their child’s early arrival.  They feel responsible, and contemplate all the things they “should have” done to stay pregnant longer, even when the cause of their baby’s prematurity is unknown.  They feel guilty for things they did (or didn’t do) doing their pregnancy.  Finally, they feel a sense of loss – the loss of the final weeks or months of pregnancy, the loss of a normal birth and bonding experience, normal milestones and more.

Aside from personal feelings of pain and guilt, many parents of preemies experience significant fear about bringing their baby home, caring for them, and providing for their needs.  While homecoming day is exciting, it is also anxiety provoking.  Once that initial period of adjustment to being at home passes, these worries are often replaced with concerns about development, longterm complications and common preemie problems like feeding and growth issues.

Having a preemie that spends time in the NICU is a difficult experience, and unfortunately, the impact can’t usually be left at the NICU door.  It continues to follow many moms for years to come, particularly around the time of the anniverasry of their baby’s birth, hospital discharge and due date.  This is just one of the reasons why I’m Blogging for Prematurity Awareness Month.

Similar Posts:

• NICU Memories – Blogging for Prematurity Awareness Month
• Christmas Wishes for the NICU
• Coping with Christmas in the NICU
• Little JULES: Fashionable Jewelry Inspired by a Preemie